


Being A Tale of Tavros Nitram, Agender Fairychild Extraordinaire

by Edoro



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ableism, Agender, F/M, Gen, M/M, Nonbinary, Tavros the agender fairychild, Trans Character, genderfuck for everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-02
Updated: 2012-04-02
Packaged: 2017-11-02 21:58:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/373772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Edoro/pseuds/Edoro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Which Many Canon Events Are Told In Summary Form For Reasons of Already Ridiculous Length, Issues of Gender and Sexuality Are Discussed Quite Often, Tavros Does Not Want To Grow Up, And Everything Ends Happily, Featuring Several Instances of Vriska, One Explicit Moiraillegiance Scene and Implications Of Another Off-Screen, Numerous Chatlogs, One Memo, Troubling Language From Several Sources Including Karkat Vantas, Three Piles, A Scene of Nonconsensual Amputation, Many Conflicted Feelings, A Resolution of Questionable Red Feelings, and One Non-Explicit Educational Flashing Over Webcam.</p><p>Written for the Genderqueer Ficathon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being A Tale of Tavros Nitram, Agender Fairychild Extraordinaire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hammie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hammie/gifts).



> This is the most ridiculously long thing I've ever written for this fandom, or for anything in years. Also, I made it a personal challenge to write without pronouns for Tavros, so the language can get kind of clunky in places, just as a warning. Finally, let me add in warnings for ableism and ableist language, from other people and also Tavros, bless his sad little heart.
> 
> For tumblr user scarfmouse, aka AO3 user hammie.

The first time someone asks, “Are you a boy or a girl?” Tavros doesn’t know what to say.

Tavros is four sweeps old and has never really thought about that. Tavros stares at the question for a long time, wondering what to put, and finally decides to just be honest.

AT: i DON’T REALLY KNOW, i GUESS,

The other troll is someone from a forum online, for a game Tavros thinks might be fun to play. They’re surprised at this, and want to know how you can go that long without knowing. Don’t most trolls know by the time they’re Tavros’ age? They try to lead Tavros towards an answer, one of those two or even another option - 7h3r3 4r3 lo75 of 7h1ng5 7o b3! - but can’t seem to understand when Tavros keeps saying that none of them feel right.

AT: i JUST DON’T FEEL AT COMFORT WITH, aNY OF THOSE THINGS,

It makes Tavros start thinking, though. Are you supposed to feel like one of them? Is there an age when you’re supposed to? Tinkerbull hasn’t ever said anything like that and Tavros has never felt any kind of need to, never felt drawn to any of the pronouns other trolls use - did not, in fact, even know they were a thing for sweeps, until meeting Aradia, who used a rotating set of three or four. It’s still strange to try to think any of them about...herself? Himself? Eirself? Aerself?

Tavros feels more like the fairies in stories, who don’t care about being a he or a she or an anything. Its and theys and things with other words for not caring. Tavros thinks that’s a good way to approach it and guesses that in the future, if anyone asks, ‘it’ doesn’t feel very bad to be called.

Aradia laughs when Tavros tells her - no, er today, they sound close but aren’t the same - but not in a mean way, so it’s okay. Aradia says ey’ll just keep calling Tavros ‘Tavros’, if Tavros doesn’t mind.

Tavros really doesn’t.

~

The next time someone asks, it’s a girl who Tavros is setting up a FLARP game with. Aradia found her and said that she seemed fun; already experienced with a team of her own that was pretty well known in some circles, but willing to play with newbies.

She doesn’t back off the way Tavros’ other friend did, though. She says it’s stupid to not have picked yet, because they’re four and a half, and everyone should know by then. She says Tavros must have a stupid lusus who doesn’t know how to raise a wiggler right. She says ‘it’ doesn’t work, people aren’t it, and needles and pokes and prods until, desperate to make her stop, Tavros goes online and looks up a list of pronouns and tries to find a complicated one that doesn’t have any eight sounds in it.

AT: i GUESS, iF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO RESPECT THE ONES THAT i ALREADY ASKED YOU TO USE,

AT: oR JUST NOT USE ANY, bECAUSE i DON’T REALLY LIKE THEM,

AT: yOU CAN USE ZE, aND HIR,

AG: Gr8!

AG: Of course you picked the most 8oring ones you could, didn’t you?

AG: I hope you’re not this 8oring in real life!

arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT]  
~

Tavros has only met one other person besides Aradia who hasn’t ever asked, or hinted, or fished for answers about pronouns.

Gamzee calls everyone ‘bro’ and ‘sis’ pretty much at random, from what Tavros can tell. Gamzee only uses pronouns for other people about half the time, and the rest of the time they’re just ‘this or that motherfucker’. Honestly, Tavros isn’t entirely sure Gamzee even knows how genders work.

One day, just to see what Gamzee will say, Tavros decides to ask.

adiosToreador [AT] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

AT: hEYY, gAMZEE,

TC: HeY My bRoThEr, wHaT ThE FuCk iS Up?

AT: nOT REALLY A LOT, cURRENTLY,

AT: i ACTUALLY HAVE A QUESTION THAT i WOULD LIKE TO INQUIRE TO YOU, iF YOU DON’T MIND,

TC: nAaAh, i’M NeVeR MiNdInG To tElL AnYtHiNg tO My bEsT BrOtHeR.

TC: LaY ThAt sHiT ThE FuCk oN Me.

AT: aRE YOU A BOY, oR A GIRL?

AT: oR ANY OTHER KIND OF THING, lIKE THAT, tHAT PEOPLE CAN BE?

AT: oR NONE OF THOSE OPTIONS, iS, aLSO A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE RESPONSE, iF   
THAT IS WHAT YOU FEEL,

AT: iN WHERE YOUR BLOODPUSHER IS UP AT, oR, wHATEVER IT IS YOU SAY,

AT: }:op

TC: fUuUcK BrO DoN’t dRoP A HaRd-aSs qUeStIoN LiKe tHaT On a mOtHeRfUcKeR AnD ThEn sTeAl a mOtHeRfUcKeR’s nOsE.

AT: sORRY, hERE, yOU CAN HAVE IT BACK

AT: }:p sEE?

TC: ThAnKs.

TC: aS FoR To yOuR MoThErFuCkInG QuEsTiOn uHhHhH FuCk

TC: I dOn’T EvEn rEaLlY AlL KnOw i GuEsS.

TC: sOmEtImEs i FeEl lIkE A BrO AnD SoMeTiMeS I fEeL LiKe a gIrL ThOuGh

TC: AnD SoMeTiMeS I fEeL LiKe wHaT ThE FuCk eVeN EvEr yOu kNoW?

AT: i AM, vERY FAMILIAR WITH THAT FEELIING, yES,

TC: mOtHeRfUcKiNg gEnDeR, HoW DoEs iT EvEn wOrK?

AT: hAHAHA, yEAH, i FEEL LIKE THAT A LOT,

AT: iT IS A MYSTERY THAT MAY NEVER BE EXPLAINED, pROBABLY,

TC: It’S FuCkInG MiRaClEs, iS wHaT It iS.

Tavros keeps waiting for Gamzee to ask, which is really only fair, after a question like that, but instead they just move on to other topics. Once the inevitable slamming begins, Tavros mostly forgets it even came up, except to make a mental not that “uNNECESSARY EXPLETIVES, gENDER, hOW DOES IT EVEN WORK,” is basically a great way to talk about personal feelings on the subject.

~

adiosToreador [AT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]

AT: aRADIA,

AT: aRE YOU THERE,

AT: i WOULD REALLY LIKE TO TALK TO YOU,

AT: And klndif

AT: kIND OF NEED TO, rIGHT NOW, aT TIHS MOEMNT, rIGHT NOW

AT: aradia

AA: what??

AA: what’s wrong?

AT: i JUST,

AT: oKAY SO,

AT: i,

AT: hANG ON,

\--adiosToreador [AT] is now an idle chum--

AA: take your time

AT: oKAY, i WROTE THIS DOWN, aND MADE AN OUTLINE, oF SOME NOTES,

AT: tO GATHER MY THOUGHTS, aND NOT JUST FLAIL AT THE KYEBOARD BLINDLY,

AT: i AM STILL, kiND OF UPSET, sO PLEASE EXCUSE ANY TUPOOS,

AT: lIKET HAT ONE,

AA: its fine

AT: oKAY, tODAY, oUR SCHOOLFEEDING LESSON WAS ABOUT,

AT: gROWIN GUP,

AT: aND THE CHANGES, tAHT OCCUR, iN A YOUNG TROLL’S BODY, wHEN THAT   
OCCURS,

AT: aS IN THE, tHINGS THAT, hAPPENT O YOU, aND YUOR BODY, aS YUO GROW,

AT: aND GET OLDER, uHH, tHOSE KINDS OF THINGS,

AA: do you mean puberty

AT: yES, tHATIS THE THING, i AM TRYING VERY HARD NOT TO TLAK,

AT: oR THINK,

AT: aBOUT,

AT: oR really CONSIDER AT ALL, iN AN YWAY,

AA: 0n0

AA: im sorry that looks stupid 

AA: tavros

AT: i GUESS IT’S KIND OF SILLY, to BE SO WORRIED, bUT, i CNAT’ HELP IT,

AT: i DON’T WNABT ANYT OF THAT TO HAPPEN,

AT: eVVER,

AT: iT’S JSUTH ALL GROSSS AND

AT: ,

AT: sCARY AND iDON’T LIKE IT, i DON’T WNAT ANY CHANGES TO HAPPEN,

AT: o RMY BODY TO MATURE, i DON’T WANT THAT,

AT: i WANT TO JSUYT SATY,lIEK THIS, fOREVER PREFERABLY,

AT: aND BE YOUGN FOREVERM lIKE FA FAIRY, oR PupAPAN,

AT: whO i BET NEVER HAST TO WORRYA ABOUT, pUBETYT,oR, ANything,

AT: wOW UH i CAN’T CTYPERIGHT NOW,

AT: sORRY JUST,

AT: mY HANDS ARE SAHKIGN REALLLY BADAND,

AT: i CAN’T REALLY SEE THE SCREEN, vERY CLEALRYM, bECAUSE OF TEARS, mOSLTY,

AA: tavros

AA: please try to calm down a little!

AA: i am not very far away from your hive right now

AA: would you like me to come over?

AT: yES, i’D, lIKE THAT VERY MCUH,

AT: tHANK YOU,

AA: ill be there soon okay

AA: just hold tight

AT: oKAY,

apocalypseArisen [AA] has ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT]

AT: ,,,

AT: 

It takes Aradia about twenty minutes to get there, although it feels like an eternity to Tavros. The first thing she does is very matter-of-factly make a pile out of every soft thing in Tavros’ room, including clothes and host plushes, and then pull her friend into it.

Tavros leans against her, face buried in her shoulder and arms wrapped around her, and tries to stop crying. The tears just don’t seem to want to stop; every time Tavros starts feeling calmer, a new wave of fear rises up, and they start again. Eventually the sobbing subsides to wet sniffling with the occasional watery hiccup.

Aradia runs her fingers through Tavros’ mohawk and over the fuzzy sides where hair is starting to grow back in. “It’s okay.”

“I don’t think it really is going to be, though.” Tavros wants nothing more than to believe her, but just can’t. This isn’t something that can be petted away, a fear that can be dismissed. It’s the future, and not even Aradia can make time stop. “I mean, I can’t exactly not grow up. That’s not a thing that’s possible.”

Aradia hums. “No, I suppose not. Why does growing up upset you so much?”

That’s the part that confuses Tavros, too. There is no confusion in Tavros’ feelings towards it - fear, terror, and an overwhelming sense of _not wanting_ \- but the source of them is a mystery. Everyone grows up. Tavros has always known that that happened. Fairy worlds where no one grew up and everyone was a wiggler forever are fake and Tavros is sweeps too old to believe in them. But the idea of it is so viscerally horrifying that just thinking about it again makes Tavros’ throat close up.

“I just, don’t, want... I don’t know. I don’t want anything to change. I don’t want my, my _body_ to change. I d-don’t want to be able to f-f-fill _buckets_.” On the last word, Tavros bursts into tears again, pulling Aradia closer to cry into her chest.

She just strokes her friend’s hair and back, letting a soothing purr thrum through her thoracic cavity. “You don’t even have to worry about it for sweeps, you know.”

“I don’t w-w-want to ever worry about it!”

There isn’t a lot that Aradia can say. So she just holds Tavros and makes soothing noises, rocking them both back and forth a little, until finally Tavros is all cried-out and falls into a weary sleep against her.

She stays for most of the next day, leaving reluctantly and with the assurance that she’ll see Tavros again soon, in the FLARP game they have coming up with Team Scourge.

In the days after that, Tavros doesn’t sleep or eat well. People start to notice, remarking on the sudden sullenness of disposition that was never present before, or the obvious marks of sleepless nights visible during a video chat. Tavros mostly waves their concerns aside, except for one person.

terminallyCapricious [TC] started trolling adiosToreador [AT]

TC: HeEeY ThErE My mOsT TiTs bUlLhOnKeY.

AT: hEY, gAMZEE,

TC: wHoA, MaN, DoN’t lIkE To gEt aNy bAd fEeLiNgS OvEr iT Or nOtHInG, BuT YoU LoOk lIkE SoMeThInG ThE PuRrBeAsT DrAgGeD AlL ThE FuCk in.

TC: YoU MoThErFuCkInG OkAy?

AT: yEAH, I’m,

AT: aCTUALLY,

AT: nO, nOT REALLY,

AT: i HAVEN’T BEEN SLEEPING, vERY WELL, lATELY,

AT: oR EATING, mUCH, eITHER,

AT: oR FEELING VERY GOOD, aT ALL, iN ANY WAY,

TC: aW FuCk. :o(

TC: NoW WhY EvEn iS My gOoD BuDdY GeTtInG To bEiNg aLl bAd fEeLiNg lIkE ThAt?

AT: iT’S,

AT: kIND OF STUPID, i GUESS,

AT: i JUST, aM UPSET, bY SOMETHING i’VE BEEN THINKING ON, fOR A WHILE,

AT: bECAUSE OF SOMETHING i WAS TAUGHT, tHAT i DIDN’T LIKE,

TC: i’M GoNnA Be rEaL FuCkInG HoNeSt, i dOn’T GoT AlL EvEn tHe tInIeSt mOtHeRfUcK Of a ClUe aBoUt wHaT YoU’rE TrYiNg tO SaY.

AT: hEH,

AT: i’M SORRY, i’M NOT EVEN REALLY COGNIZANT OF, wHAT i’M TYPING, mOSTLY,

AT: bASICALLY, i GOT AND CONTINUE TO BE, rEALLY UPSET, bECAUSE OF THE SCHOOLFEEDING LESSON ON,

AT: pUBERTY,

AT: bECAUSE i DON’T WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT, aT ALL,

AT: iT BASICALLY SOUNDS LIKE THE WORST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN TO ANYONE, eVER,

AT: aND i KNOW IT’S STUPID BUT,

AT: i JUST WISH i COULD BE LIKE pUPA pAN,

AT: aND BE A KID FOREVER,

AT: oR MAYBE ANY FAIRY, rEALLY,

AT: aND NEVER HAVE TO GROW UP,

AT: oR GO THROUGH ANY PHYSICAL CHANGES,

AT: i DON’T REALLY MIND, eMOTIONAL CHANGES, i THINK,

AT: i LIKE THE IDEA OF, mATURITY, aLTHOUGH BEING AN ADULT SOUNDS, kIND OF FRIGHTENING,

AT: bUT i WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE THE REST OF IT, iF THAT WERE POSSIBLE, wHICH IT IS NOT EVEN REMOTELY,

AT: bUT IT’S WHAT i WANT,

AT: uH, sORRY, i KIND OF RAMBLED AT YOU, tHERE,

TC: It aIn’T EvEn bEiNg nO ThInG.

TC: i kInDa fEeL YoU ThErE MaN.

TC: I’m nOt rEaLlY AlL LoOkInG FoRwArD At tHaT ShIt eItHeR.

TC: i dOn’T KnOw wHaT ThAt iT’s tHe sAmE ReAsOn tHoUgH.

AT: i KIND OF THOUGHT YOU WOULDN’T REALLY, mIND, tHAT KIND OF THING,

AT: i DON’T REALLY KNOW WHY,

AT: wHAT PART OF IT IS, pARTICULARLY UPSETTING, tO YOU PERSONALLY?

TC: :o( I DoN’t wAnNa fIlL BuCkEtS WiTh aNy mOtHeRfUcKeRs bRo.

AT: oH, yES, tHAT PART IS, aLSO KIND OF UPSETTING,

AT: aLTHOUGH i THINK MOSTLY BECAUSE i JUST, dO NOT WANT PARTS OF MY BODY TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT,

TC: fUcK I’m jUsT AlL KiNdS Of fUcKiNg fReAkEd oUt bY ThAt tHoUgH.

TC: It sOuNdS ScArY As fUcK.

TC: :o( hOnK

AT: iT PROBABLY WON’T BE, fRIGHTENING, jUST UNPLEASANT,

AT: wHICH i THINK IS SLIGHTLY BETTER, mAYBE?

TC: :o( HoNk

AT: bUT UM, iRREGARDLESS OF HOW IT WILL BE, i AM REALLY GLAD, tHAT YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY,

AT: ,,,nOT THAT i’M GLAD YOU ARE SCARED, oR UPSET,

AT: bUT i’M GLAD THAT i HAVE SOMEONE WHO ALSO RECIPROCATES MY FEELINGS, tHERE,

AT: iF THAT MAKES SENSE,

TC: yEaH BrO I GeT YoU.

AT: gOOD,

AT: uH, aNYWAY, i ACTUALLY HAVE TO GO,

AT: i WAS JUST ABOUT TO SLEEP, bECAUSE, i HAVE A GAME TOMORROW, tHAT i THINK WILL BE FUN, aND HOPEFULLY TAKE MY MIND OFF OF UNPLEASANT THINGS, aND i WANT TO MAKE SURE i’M WELL-RESTED FOR IT, sO i DON’T OVERSLEEP,

AT: sO, gOODBYE, aND GOODNIGHT,

AT: i’LL TALK TO YOU LATER,

TC: ByE MaN.

TC: yOu kIcK ThAt sHiT RiGhT AlL Up dOwN ThE MoThErFuCkINg sTaIrS, OkAy?

AT: uHH, sURE,

adiosToreador [AT] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

The FLARP game certainly takes Tavros’ mind off of things like puberty and growing up. Tavros remembers saying that, during an early lucid moment, and thinks that it’s something Gamzee would find very amusing, before sinking back down into unconsciousness.

Tavros spends a long time asleep. It’s easier to be asleep. All the wounded flesh repairs itself without Tavros having to feel the pangs, and all the worldly concerns that were once so important - like friends, or growing up, or being scared, or playing games - are all distant. Tavros just sleeps and dreams. They’re flying dreams, mostly, although some of them are falling dreams, which always wake Tavros up in a cold sweat.

Aside from sleeping, Tavros reads a lot of stories and watches a lot of movies, all of them about fairies. Pupa Pan is a source of constant comfort and escape.

Pupa Pan never worried about growing up. Pupa Pan always wins the games that he plays. Pupa Pan doesn’t ever get jumped off of a cliff, with his own legs or his own mind or anybody else’s, and Pupa Pan never lays in weeks-old sopor that’s lost most of its potency because he is afraid of trying to get up. Pupa Pan is a child forever and can flit around the sky playing and having adventures and fighting pir8s, who never win.

Tinkerbull drags Tavros’ husktop over. There are days and days of old messages piled up. Most of them are from Gamzee, although there are a lot from Vriska and some from Terezi, too. None from Aradia. Tavros tries not to worry about how she hasn’t been around after everything happened, tries not to wonder why she wasn’t there to help.

terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]

TC: TaVrOs?

TC: bRo.

TC: I CaN SeE YoU MoThErFuCkInG OnLiNe.

TC: tHiS AiN’t nO SpIdErBiTcH TrYiNg tO FoOl mE AbOuT My gOoD BuLl-hEaDeD MoThErFuCkEr rIgHt?

AT: uH, nO, iT’S ME,

AT: i’M SORRY i WAS GONE, fOR SO LONG,

AT: i’VE BEEN UNWELL, 

AT: yOU COULD SAY,

AT: hA,

TC: ThAt iSn’T VeRy mOtHeRfUcKiNg fUnNy.

TC: i GoT HaD AlL KiNdS Of wOrRy fOr yOu uP In mY PaN.

TC: AnD Up iN My hEaRt.

TC: hOw tHe fUcK ArE YoU BeInG?

AT: tIRED, mOSTLY,

AT: sORRY,

AT: i’VE JUST BEEN, vERY TIRED,

TC: HoW’s yOuR MoThErFuCkInG LeGs?

AT: tHEY’RE,

AT: tHEY,

AT: i’M,

adiosToreador [AT] has ceased trolling terminallyCapricious

TC: fUcK Me bRo i’M SoRrY.

TC: ThAt wAs aLl lIkE To bE EvErY KiNd oF InSeNsItIvE I CoUlD EvEn bE.

TC: i’M A MoThErFuCkInG RoT-PaNnEd fUcKuP.

TC: :o( HoNk hOnK HoNk

TC: pLeAsE DoN’t lEaVe aGaIn tAv i cAn’T HaRdLy tAkE It.

adiosToreador [AT] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]  
adiosToreador [AT] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

adiosToreador [at] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

AT: oKAY, sORRY, i THINK i OVERREACTED THERE, a LITTLE BIT,

AT: i KNOW YOU ARE JUST WORRIED ABOUT ME, aND MY INJURIES,

AT: aND i AM GRATEFUL FOR YOUR CONCERN, 

AT: bUT i DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT NOW, aLRIGHT?

TC: ThAt iS MoThErFuCkInG TiTs fInE.

AT: oKAY, gOOD, i’M GLAD,

AT: nOW THAT WE HAVE THAT STRAIGHTENED OUT, wHY DON’T YOU TELL ME, hOW YOU HAVE BEEN?

AT: i HAVE DONE NOTHING, oF INTEREST, iN THE PAST MONTH, bUT i’M SURE YOU HAVE,

TC: bEeN ReAl wOrRiEd mOsTlY.

TC: I HeArD SoMe sHiT WeNt dOwN WiTh Gc aNd aG AnD Aa.

AT: i,

AT: i THINK,

AT: cOULD YOU,

AT: cOULD YOU MAYBE WRITE DOWN WHAT HAPPENED, iN AN EMAIL, aND SEND IT TO ME, sO i CAN READ IT LATER, bUT NOT NOW?

TC: uHhHh yEaH SuRe tHiNg.

AT: tHANK YOU,

AT: aND NOW, tELL ME WHAT YOU’VE DONE, bESIDES WORRY ABOUT ME, pLEASE,

Gamzee doesn’t ask about Tavros’ legs again, or really bring up what happened much at all, except for vague references towards things that happened because of it. Tavros is so grateful it almost hurts. As tactless as he can be sometimes, Gamzee is good at keeping his mouth shut when he needs to be, and just generally being a chill friend.

Aradia comes back after a few more days, although she seems very different. Tavros wants to ask, and almost does on several occasions, but never works up the courage to. It’s better not to know, probably. Tavros is sure it’s something horrible, and has a few suspicions, but would rather pretend that everything is as normal as it can be.

After a few more weeks, when the reality is settling in and has become less immediately painful, Tavros trolls Gamzee again.

adiosToreador [AT] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

AT: tHEY DON’T WORK,

TC: WhAt?

AT: mY LEGS,

AT: tHEY DON’T WORK,

AT: tHEY FEEL, iNVISIBLE, aND i CAN’T MOVE THEM, oR FEEL WHEN i TOUCH THEM WITH ANYTHING,

AT: i CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING, rEALLY, bELOW MY WAIST,

AT: i’M PARALYZED, fOR LIFE, bARRING A MIRACLE, oR SOMETHING OF THAT NATURE,

AT: wHICH IS UNLIKELY TO HAPPEN, i THINK,

TC: mOtHeFuCk bRo. 

TC: :o(

TC: ThAt’S AlL KiNdS Of bEiNg wAy fUcKiNg hArSh.

AT: yES, i AGREE WITH THAT SENTIMENT, wHOLEHEARTEDLY,

AT: aLTHOUGH, tHERE IS SORT OF, a GOOD SIDE,

TC: yEaH? 

AT: i DID SOME RESEARCH, aND ALSO SPOKE TO GA, wHO POSSESSES SOME KNOWLEDGE OF MEDICINE,

AT: aND WHAT HAPPENED, i THINK, iS THAT WHEN i GOT WALKED OFF THE CLIFF,

AT: i BROKE MY SPINE, wHICH IS WHY i CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING,

AT: aND A LOT OF TIMES, wHEN YOU DO THAT, yOU LOSE SOME FUNCTION, iN THE AREAS BELOW THE BREAK, tHAT THOSE PARTS OF YOUR SPINE CONTROL,

AT: bECAUSE IT SENDS NERVE SIGNALS TO YOUR BRAIN,

AT: pARTICULARLY, uH, aREAS LIKE,

AT: tHE GROINAL, kIND OF REGION,

TC: So wHaT ThE FuCk aRe yOu aT ThInKiNg hErE?

AT: tHAT, sINCE, i CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING, bELOW MY WAIST, wHICH INCLUDES,

AT: tHAT, aREA,

AT: mAYBE IT ALSO WON’T REALLY, wORK, eVEN WHEN i GET OLDER,

AT: wHICH IS A REALLY NICE THOUGHT, eVEN IF i WOULD HAVE PROBABLY PREFERRED TO HAVE THAT HAPPEN, wITHOUT FALLING OFF OF A CLIFF,

AT: bECAUSE i MISS BEING ABLE TO USE MY LEGS, aND DO THINGS, oTHER THAN BE USELESS, aND ON THE CULL LISTS,

AT: bUT IT STILL BASICALLY QUALIFIES AS GOOD NEWS, i THINK,

TC: fUcK YeAh i tHiNk iT DoEs tOo.

TC: TaV, YoU SeE WhAt tHiS Is rIgHt?

AT: uH, mAYBE, bUT, tELL ME,

TC: mOtHeR

TC: FuCkInG

TC: mIrAcLeS

TC: HoNk hOnK HoNk

AT: hAHAHA, iF YOU SAY SO,

TC: yOu gOtTa nOtIcE AnD ReCoGnIzE MiRaClEs, mY FiNe-aSs fRiEnD.

AT: oF COURSE, hOW SILLY OF ME, nOT TO,

TC: MoThErFuCkInG SiLlY As tItS NoT To.

TC: fUck

TC: I GoTtA Go

TC: tHe oLd gOaT JuSt cAmE BaCk

terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT]

And life goes on. Tavros doesn’t want it to, and feels even more like a helpless twig being washed down a river, pulled along by the current and unable to break free, but it won’t stop. Five sweeps, five and a half, six sweeps... The time passes by unbidden, and they all grow.

Tavros notices it. Tavros wonders, sometimes, if anyone else notices it the same way, or if none of them notice the way they all get a little taller, a little broader, the way the girls are starting to get even bigger, the way everyone’s emotions start getting a little more volatile.

They start talking about romance, about matesprits and kismeses. They start giggling about dirty jokes, talking about _buckets_. Tavros keeps playing Fiduspawn and watching movies about Pupa Pan, who only has a moirail and will never fill a bucket. 

People - Vriska - say that Tavros is immature. People - Vriska - call Tavros a lot of names, like stupid and baby and dumb little wiggler. Tavros tries to mostly ignore her, which never works, and eventually gives in a little and decides to try to pretend not to be such an immature little wiggler. That mostly involves learning how to do innuendo, which is pretty fun, actually, even if a lot of times Tavros doesn’t entirely get it.

Gamzee always does and doesn’t mind explaining it, with plenty of laughing and honking and rambling as he attempts to explain just why it’s hilarious. They talk a lot more now that Aradia is being weird, which sort of stings if Tavros thinks about it but is mostly fine. Sometimes Tavros wonders if there are pale feelings there, because while the quadrants are kind of a confusing and intimidating mess, Gamzee isn’t exactly subtle and it’s not hard to think he might feel some pity, nor hard to imagine returning it...

Tavros tries not to think about that very often. Gamzee is a good friend and that’s one thing Tavros is determined to keep from changing, even if nothing else will stay. And besides, as far as Tavros can tell, the whole idea of any kind of quadrant thing is weird and sort of scary to Gamzee, so any pity he is sending out is probably completely unintentional or completely platonic. And Tavros is still pale as pale can be for Aradia, no matter how weird she’s being.

Things start to get unbearable pretty quickly. They hit six sweeps and Tavros can’t deny anymore that this isn’t just wiggler growth. The idea of concupiscent desire may still be strange and a little frightening - Tavros had hoped maybe being crippled would help with that, because if nothing down there _works_ , then it can’t be _used_ , right? Of course, that’s just an invitation for culling, but Tavros tries to stay on the bright side - but there are all kinds of strange feelings and ideas happening, all kinds of strange dreams coming to visit Tavros in the day. Things are changing and Tavros can’t deny it.

Just when it’s at its worst, when they’re all right on the cusp of things Tavros doesn’t want to think about, a new distraction comes along.

A game that Sollux made, with Aradia helping, that they’ll all play. A game to save the world, or maybe destroy it, or maybe both. Time suspends itself in the game, and Tavros has never had more fun.

The rocketchair is the best thing that’s happened to Tavros in a long time, even if it comes along with Vriska. At least she seems to be better than usual, and hasn’t tried any more kissing. The kissing wasn’t so bad, really, but the fact that it was Vriska definitely was. The rocketchair mostly makes up for that, and the fun they have in LOMAT helps Tavros forget about it. 

The game is all about flying around and solving puzzles and having adventures, just like Pupa Pan would do. Tavros feels like a fairy for a lot of it, buzzing about fixing things and consorting with consorts and imps and all manner of beings. These feelings aren’t shared with Vriska, of course, but Gamzee gets an earful of them, and in her typical fashion thinks it’s just all kinds of WiCkEd tItS AmAzInG that Tavros is feeling happy.

Gamzee is another thing that’s hard for Tavros to figure out. They meet up as soon into the game as Tavros can, because Gamzee is basically the best friend Tavros has and not seeing her would be a crime, but even with all of Gamzee’s insistence that it was just A MoTheRfUcKiNg jOkE, that last conversation still hangs over both their heads.

Tavros wishes, not for the first time, that it were easier to write out thoughts, get them from pan to computer screen without losing too much in the translation. Whether Tavros has red feelings for Gamzee or not, or whether kissing sounds okay or really distressing, are both still subjects of heated internal debate. Tavros isn’t sure there will be a chance to find out now, though, with Gamzee convinced she made Tavros mad asking.

Then the thing with Vriska happens, and after that Tavros sleeps, again. 

Pupa Pan would have been able to do it. Pupa Pan could kill a pir8 whenever he wanted and not even worry. Pupa Pan probably knew if he pitied people, too, or if he wanted to kiss them, or how much kissing was okay and how much was bad. Pupa Pan probably just never thought about kissing, because Pupa Pan was a kid and kids didn’t think about that kind of thing.

Sometimes it’s hard for Tavros to wish to be Pupa Pan, because Pupa Pan is basically perfect and Tavros is so far from it that it seems impossible. More and more it seems to just make Tavros feel bad and flawed and imperfect. Maybe Tavros can be one of Pupa’s fairy friends, who isn’t as great but still okay. That’s better, anyway, because Pupa is definitely a boy and sometimes even just thinking of people as being boys or girls makes Tavros feel unhappy and uncomfortable and a little bit like crying. Tavros always likes it best when Aradia and Gamzee are theys or aers or whatevers.

Tavros sleeps up until the big battle. Sleeping through it sounds like a nice idea, except no one is going to let that happen, and if Tavros is sleeping then there’s no opportunity to be a hero like one of Pupa’s friends. It’s not Tavros who is the hero, of course. It’s either Vriska or Gamzee. Tavros feels a little bad for being vindictive and hoping it really was Gamzee, but only a little bit. No one ever thinks Gamzee is good for anything and although they like to pretend they don’t care, Tavros knows they really want someone to think they’re good at something. Sometimes that makes Tavros really mad at Karkat, because even _Tavros_ can tell how pale Gamzee is, and Karkat just goes around with his head stuffed up his own - with his eyes squeezed shut and his fingers in his ears, ignoring everything and shouting.

It turns out that no one’s really the hero, though, because they fail. Or maybe Aradia is, because he saves them all in the nick of time, throwing them onto that asteroid. 

Being stuck in the lab with everyone is kind of strange. Tavros hasn’t even seen a lot of these people in person before, and isn’t exactly friendly with all of them. Mostly Tavros spends a lot of time with Gamzee, trying to reassure them that everything’s okay between them, and then trying to just plain reassure them as the hours drag on and things get more and more stressful. Gamzee hasn’t had any pie in a while and isn’t doing so great, suddenly being on such a dramatically lowered sopor dosage. They’ve got a headache most of the time and spend a long time sleeping on the horn pile, peering up blearly at the room every so often, sometimes making little growling sounds in their chest that make the skin on the back of Tavros’ neck prickle.

They’re the kind of noises Tavros would expect from someone like Vriska or Eridan or Equius, unfriendly warning noises that say violence is about to be done to someone. Tavros hasn’t ever heard Gamzee make a sound like that or even express that kind of sentiment, and it’s disturbing. Keeping them calm and distracted takes a lot of time, but it’s also nice in a way, because that way Tavros can easily avoid Vriska and Aradia.

Tavros has been avoiding Vriska ever since what happened on LOMAT, and Aradia for about as long, too. Sometimes Tavros feels bad about ignoring Aradia, who was such a good friend for such a long time, but - well, he’s just not the same anymore. Tavros’ moirail, the old Aradia, died back on Alternia a long time ago, and this is just a shell of that person, wrapped up in cold metal and bright red eyes and a hollow voice.

Maybe that’s a bad thing to think, but Tavros ignores that, too. There are a lot of bad things to be thinking right now, with the way the game went and how they’re trapped, and Tavros is tired of it. Tavros wants to focus on spending time with friends and trying to enjoy what time they have left, and just not think about the game for a little while. Tavros wants to rap with Gamzee and maybe try to teach them how to play Fiduspawn and talk to the aliens, a little bit, who are fun and funny and so very _weird_. Talking to Aradia’s robotic ghost doesn’t sound fun at all.

As the hours passed, a new problem reared its head. Tavros kept hoping maybe it would just go away, but it didn’t, and eventually it became clear that something needed to be said. The idea of actually speaking up made Tavros’ stomach churn with anxiety, but what other choice was there?

Maybe Gamzee could help. 

adiosToreador [AT] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

AT: hEY, gAMZEE, 

AT: hOW ARE YOU FEELING?

TC: LiKe a mOtHeRfUcKiNg mEoWbEaSt lIkE To fUcKiNg dId eAt mE ThEn sPiT Me uP ThEn eAt mE AgAiN AnD ThEn sOmEoNe fUcKiNg dRaGgEd mE Up iNtO ThIs pIlE HeRe.

TC: i ThInK My hEaD Is gOnNa mOtHeRfUcKiNg eXpLoDe.

TC: :o(

AT: sORRY,

AT: tHAT’S WHY i TROLLED YOU, iNSTEAD OF TALKING TO YOU, bECAUSE i THOUGHT IT MIGHT HURT YOUR HEAD LESS,

AT: aLSO i THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE THREATENED TO, uH, bITE TEREZI, lAST TIME SHE MADE A LOT OF NOISE, iN YOUR HORN PILE, aND FRANKLY YOUR TEETH ARE, kIND OF TERRIFYING,

TC: HaHaHa fUcK YeAh i GoT SoMe wIcKeD MoThErFuCkInG ChOpPeRs uP In mY PiE HoLe dOn’T I?

AT: wICKED IS, a GOOD WORD, i THINK,

AT: aNYWAY, i AM SORRY THAT YOU FEEL BAD, aND WOULD TRY TO LEAVE YOU ALONE, nORMALLY,

AT: bUT i KIND OF HAVE A PROBLEM, aND i WAS HOPING YOU COULD ADVISE, oR OTHERWISE DIRECT ME, aS TO A SOLUTION ON IT,

AT: iF THAT WOULDN’T BE TOO MUCH TROUBLE,

TC: nO TrOuBlE To hElP My gOoD BuDdY OuT. 

TC: WhAt tHe fUcK Is eVeN GeTtInG At yOu?

AT: wELL,

AT: yOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED, iF YOU ARE, cOGNIZANT OF THE CONVERSATIONS HAPPENING, fOR THE LAST FEW HOURS,

AT: tHAT A LOT OF PEOPLE SEEM TO,

AT: uH,

AT: tHINK THAT i’M A BOY,

TC: aW BrO.

AT: yEAH, uM,

AT: i WONDER WHY, rEALLY, bECAUSE i DO NOT THINK THAT i’VE REALLY, gIVEN THAT IMPRESSION, mUCH,

AT: oR SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT TO ANYONE, aT ALL, eXCEPT FOR YOU AND, aRADIA, aND ALSO vRISKA,

AT: wHO, nOW THAT i THINK ABOUT IT, wHICH i WOULD PREFER NOT TO, iF WE’RE BEING HONEST, bETWEEN FRIENDS,

AT: iS PROBABLY THE REASON PEOPLE THINK THAT, mOST LIKELY,

AT: i WONDERED IF MAYBE IT WAS, yOU SAYING THINGS LIKE, ‘bRO’ AND SUCH,

AT: nOT THAT i AM SAYING YOU SHOULD STOP, bECAUSE, i KNOW YOU USE IT FOR EVERYONE, 

AT: bUT, i WONDERED, iF MAYBE THEY MADE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT THAT,

AT: eXCEPT THEY SHOULD ALSO KNOW YOU USE IT, fOR EVERYONE, eSPECIALLY kARKAT,

AT: aND ANYWAY, i AM NOT REALLY SURE WHAT TO DO,

AT: iT IS GETTING REALLY UPSETTING, a LOT,

AT: i CAN SEE kANAYA AND eQUIUS, lOOKING OVER AT ME, aND WHISPERING, 

AT: wHICH IS ALSO REALLY UPSETTING IN, a VERY DIFFERENT WAY,

AT: mORE OF A VISCERAL, fEAR, kIND OF,

AT: aND THEY KEEP SAYING, hE, aND HIM, aND IT’S JUST,

AT: iT MAKES ME REALLY SAD TO HEAR AND KIND OF LIKE i WANT TO JUST, gET INTO A BALL MAYBE, aND SLEEP SOME MORE,

AT: pERHAPS IN AN INVITING PILE LOCATED SOMEWHERE IN, uH, tHIS VERY LAB,

AT: };o)

TC: HeY TaV YoU KnOw yOu aRe wElCoMe aS FuCk iN ThIs mIrAcLe pIlE.

TC: nO FuCkInG ChArGe fOr a gOoD MoThErFuCkEr tO CoMe aLl uP In hErE NeItHeR.

AT: i WILL PROBABLY, tAKE YOU UP ON THAT, sHORTLY,

AT: aND MAYBE WE CAN, sLAM, oR SOMETHING, vERY QUIETLY,

AT: iN A WHISPER, pERHAPS,

AT: aLSO SO kARKAT DOESN’T YELL, aGAIN,

AT: uHHH, bUT,

AT: aSIDE FROM JUST SLEEPING, fOREVER, wHICH IS KIND OF AN INVITING OPTION, i AM NOT SURE WHAT TO DO, 

AT: bUT i MIGHT, sCREAM, tHE NEXT TIME SOMEONE CALLS ME A BOY,

AT: aND i DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THAT,

TC: WhY DoN’t yOu jUsT TeLl aLl oF EvErY MoThErFuCkInG OnE WhAt yOu’Re nOt bEiNg aLl aBoUt bEiNg?

AT: uH,

AT: oH,

AT: yOU MEAN TELL THEM THAT i’M, nOT, a BOY?

TC: yEaH bRo.

AT: ,,,

AT: tHAT COULD, wORK, pROBABLY,

AT: hOW DO YOU THINK i SHOULD, tHOUGH,

AT: iT’S, aWKWARD, tO TALK ABOUT, a LITTLE, uH,

AT: aND eQUIUS SCARES ME, a LOT, 

AT: i WOULD PREFER TO NOT CONVERSE WITH HIM, iF POSSIBLE,

AT: nOW OR, eVER,

TC: UhHhHhHh

TC: dUdE, MaKe aLl a fUcKiNg mEmO.

AT: oH, yES, tHAT’S A REALLY GOOD IDEA,

AT: jUST A SECOND,

adiosToreador [AT] has ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

Memos. Right. Like the ones Karkat yelled at himself in, and Terezi and Nepeta’s roleplay boards. 

CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board uHH, pLEASE READ THIS, eVERYONE  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
CAT: oKAY, uM,

CAT: iS EVERYONE HERE? i GUESS YOU’LL ALL SEE IT, i HOPE,

CAT: tHERE IS A MISCONCEPTION, gOING AROUND, tHAT i FEEL THE NEED TO   
ADDRESS,

CAT: iT IS, tO BE MORE PRECISE, a MISCONCEPTION ABOUT, mE,

CAT: aND TO BE EVEN MORE PRECISE, aS IN, tO GET TO THE ACTUAL PROBLEM,

CAT: tHAT THIS MISCONCEPTION IS,

CAT: iT IS ABOUT WHAT i AM,

CAT: aLTHOUGH MOSTLY i THINK IT’S ABOUT WHAT i AM NOT, wHICH IS, wHAT YOU THINK i AM, mOST OF YOU,

CAT: uH,

CAT: i SHOULD HAVE MADE NOTES, bEFORE i MADE THIS,

CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to the memo

CAG: Oh my god, Pupa.

CAG: Get to the point!!!!!!!!

CAG: No one can even read your shitty brown rambling!

CAT: rIGHT, sORRY,

CAT: oKAY, lET ME JUST, cOMPOSE A FEW MENTAL NOTES,

CAT: aLRIGHT, bASICALLY, tHE ISSUE IS THAT SEVERAL OF YOU,

CAT: i’M NOT GOING TO NAME NAMES BUT YOU ARE AWARE, oF YOUR IDENTITIES, i ASSUME,

CAT: tHINK THAT i AM A BOY, aND HAVE BEEN CALLING ME THIS, aND, i DON’T APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH,

CAT: sO i’D LIKE IT IF YOU WOULD STOP

CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to the memo

CGA: First Please Let Me Say That Im Very Sorry For Having Used The Wrong Pronouns In The Past

CGA: Had You Corrected Me I Would Have Remedied The Behavior Immediately

CGA: May I Inquire As To What Ones You Prefer Instead

CAT: oKAY, fIRST OFF, tHANK YOU, kANAYA,

CAT: fOR BEING VERY NICE AND, rEASONABLE, aBOUT THAT,

CAT: aND UM, tHIS IS KIND OF THE HARD PART,

CAT: bECAUSE i DO NOT REALLY PREFER ANY OF THEM, aT ALL,

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to the memo

CCG: WHAT IN THE CLOT-GOBBLING FUCK DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON’T PREFER ANY OF   
THEM?

CCG: HOW CAN YOU NOT USE ANY OF THE WIDE AND STUPID ARRAY OF PERSONAL PRONOUNS AVAILABLE FOR YOU TO CHOOSE FROM, LIKE YOUR VERY OWN BUFFET   
OF IDIOCY AND MADE-UP WORDS?

CCG: ONLY RETARDED WIGGLERS WHO DON’T EVEN KNOW ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT OTHER PEOPLE ACTUALLY EXIST DON’T USE PRONOUNS, TAVROS, AND DESPITE THE PLETHORA OF EVIDENCE INDICATING OTHERWISE, I USUALLY ASSUME YOU’RE NOT A RETARDED WIGGLER.

CAT: i AM GOING TO INTERPRET THAT AS YOU BEING NICE, mOSTLY, aND THANK YOU FOR, nOT THINKING i’M A RETARDED WIGGLER,,,

CAT: bUT ACTUALLY, i AM ALSO GOING TO HAVE TO CHALLENGE, yOUR ASSERTION THAT IT IS ONLY RETARDED WIGGLERS WHO DON’T USE PRONOUNS,

CAT: bECAUSE SOMETIMES THERE ARE PEOPLE, lIKE ME, wHO DO NOT HAVE A GENDER,

CAT: aT ALL, nOT EVEN ONE THAT CAN BE DESCRIBED USING A MADE-UP WORD, oR A REAL WORD THAT ALREADY EXISTS,

CAT: bASICALLY, i WOULD SAY THAT, wITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

CAT: wHICH IS NOT MUCH, bECAUSE i DO NOT HAVE MUCH RESPECT FOR THE IDEA OF   
GENDER, aS A CONCEPT,

CAT: oR A THING THAT EXISTS, bECAUSE i DON’T SEE WHY IT HAS TO,

CAT: aLTHOUGH i SUPPOSE THAT IT IS OKAY FOR SOME PEOPLE TO HAVE THEM, aND THAT i AM NOT TRYING TO DISRESPECT THOSE PEOPLE, oR SAY THEIR IDENTITIES ARE INVALID,

CAT: bECAUSE THEY’RE NOT, aND THAT WOULD BE VERY SHITTY, oF ME TO SAY,

CAT: bUT ALL RESPECT i FEEL IS DUE, tHE IDEA OF GENDER IN GENERAL, aND NOT IN SPECIFIC CASES OF PEOPLE i KNOW WHO HAVE GENDERS AS THEIR IDENTITIES,

CAT: i FEEL LIKE,

CAT: sCREW GENDER,

CAT: aND PRONOUNS,

CAT: bECAUSE i DO NOT LIKE THEM, oR WANT TO USE THEM, oR IDENTIFY WITH ANY OF THEM IN ANY WAY,

CAT: i THINK THAT UH, a GOOD WAY TO PUT IT, iS,

CAT: uNNECESSARY EXPLETIVES, gENDER, hOW DOES IT EVEN, wORK?

CAT: wHICH IS HOW i FEEL, mOSTLY,

CAT: sO, yES, i DON’T USE ANY PRONOUNS, aT ALL, aND i DON’T WANT YOU TO APPLY ANY, tO ME,

CAT: lIKE A FAIRY, wHO IS NOT A HE OR A SHE OR ANYTHING, bUT JUST, a BEING THAT EXISTS, wITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT THAT,

CAT: eXCEPT i’M NOT A FAIRY, bECAUSE FAIRIES ARE FAKEY FAKE MADE UP PEOPLE WHO DON’T EXIST,

CAT: sO JUST CALL ME MY NAME, oR POINT, oR SOMETHING,

CAT: bUT DON’T USE PRONOUNS, bECAUSE, tHEY MAKE ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE,

CAT: pLEASE,

CAT: aND, tHANK YOU, i THINK,

CAT closed memo.

Everyone takes it better than Tavros imagined. Vriska rolls her eyes and says it’s stupid, and Karkat grumbles a lot too, but he at least tries not to slip up, and everyone else is good about it. Tavros doesn’t talk to a lot of them, which probably helps, because that way even if they slip up, only they know. The time ticks down, towards whatever it’s going towards. 

Eventually, Tavros does decide to take a nap, because there’s not a lot else to do. Gamzee went off somewhere, head pounding in the light and noise of the lab, and left their husktop sitting near the horn pile. Aradia’s still a weird robot, and Terezi and Nepeta are busy typing furiously at their respective computers, no doubt engaged in some roleplay with each other. Although Terezi might be messing with Karkat. It’s hard to tell what Karkat’s angry about.

So Tavros climbs out of the wheelchair and curls up on the floor, as well as that can be managed, head turned a little awkwardly, and sleeps. The moon of Prospit awaits, where Tavros can soar through the sky and look up at Skaia in the distance, black and white and green and blue and beautiful in the darkness of space. It’s sad that Karkat isn’t awake, Tavros thinks, the last quiet thought before drifting off.

At some point during the dream, Tavros starts to hear a sound. It’s a roaring, rumbling noise, like something metal catching on itself. It doesn’t seem to be coming from anywhere, and no one else seems to hear it, but it gets louder and louder until it pulls Tavros into the waking world abruptly.

Tavros wakes up confused and in more pain than it seems possible for one body to feel, a sharp burning line right across the stomach, in that place right before sensation starts to fade. Then there are hands, big and cold and incredibly gentle, and something else hard and cold being pressed against the torn skin, and voices talking somewhere above Tavros. They’re speaking words, in a language Tavros knows, but none of it makes any sense. There’s too much pain and the smell of blood and a sudden faint feeling.

Tavros slips into half-consciousness but doesn’t quite black out completely, which will show itself to have been a good thing shortly, when Karkat wakes up and tells everyone what just happened with the moons and the demon. Right then, Tavros wishes for nothing more than to not be aware of things right now. 

Tavros can _feel_ something where there used to be the nothingness of paralyzed legs, something cold and metal and heavy, that responds sluggishly when Tavros tries to move. Where the pain was, where it’s still burning steadily, is the sensation of cold metal too, all along the outside and inside as well. That’s a disturbing kind of feeling, metal against Tavros’ insides, and Tavros keeps trying to squirm away from it but can’t. There are strong hands keeping Tavros still and it just moves when Tavros does, anyway, like it’s attached.

Some span of time later, too pain-blurry and confused for Tavros to really tell how long, the world begins to come back into focus. Tavros begins to be aware of things other than pain, and the cold heaviness begins to feel more familiar.

It _is_ attached, Tavros discovers shortly. Kanaya neatly cut off Tavros’ dead legs, slicing just above the injured vertebrae, and Equius replaced them with functioning robotic legs. And innards, too, he explains, while Tavros sits on a table in a corner of the lab with Equius crouched down and tinkering with them.

“They still need to be fine-tuned, obviously,” Equius says. “To your particular center of gravity and gait. It will take a lot of getting used to, I imagine, but you’ll be able to walk, and I’ve managed to recreate the necessary organs removed in the...surgery.”

“Um, thank you.” Tavros is honestly stunned by this. Who knew they were planning it? And how long had they been planning it for? This is the first Tavros has heard of any of it. “I, really, thank you, very much, I’m so incredibly grateful that you made me these legs. So please don’t think [that this is an expression of ungratefulness or ingratitude or, anything like that, but...why?”

Equius looks at Tavros over the rim of his glasses, brow wrinkling a little bit. “Why?”  
“Yes, uh, just... I mean, I’m really lowblooded, essentially the lowest, in fact, now that Aradia is a blueblooded robot and not a rustblood, anymore, and I know that you don’t really like lowbloods, since you’re so high, and we’ve barely ever even talked before, so I was just wondering what would motivate you to put this effort into helping, uh, a lowblooded cripple, who you don’t even know...” Tavros peters off, uncomfortable with Equius’ steady gaze. It’s even more unsettling without the glasses in the way, Tavros decides.

“I was asked to.” Equius bends his head back to his task. He’s doing something to Tavros’ left knee, that sort of - it’s hard to describe the way the legs feel, really, because it’s not sensation the way Tavros is used to it everywhere else, but definitely something. There are sensors registering that Equius is touching them, very lightly, and it almost tickles. “By several people, actually, and left in no position to refuse.”

“Oh. Uh. Well, thank you for listening to them, I guess.” Tavros wonders if Gamzee was one of them. Equius has a _thing_ for them, that goes between being really hilarious in a gross way and being really upsetting, also in a gross way. If Equius would listen to anyone about helping out a lowblood, it would be Gamzee. Inquiring now is probably not the greatest idea, though. Maybe Tavros can ask Gamzee about it later.

A round of tinkering later, Equius declares the legs ready to use. He cautions Tavros strongly against running or jumping or performing any strenuous task, especially with the join between flesh and robotics still healing, and says that Tavros is under no circumstances to go anywhere near stairs. The results would be catastrophic, apparently. That’s a little disappointing, because Tavros had sort of hoped that stairs could be a doable thing now, instead of a completely annoying obstacle, but not too disappointed, because that would be ungrateful.

Tavros needs to show Gamzee. Who is back in the room, apparently, and looking a lot better than when they left. Tavros wobbles over to the horn pile, nearly falling over about three times and actually doing it once, but manages to get there and then just stands, grinning so wide it hurts.

“Fucking whoa,” Gamzee says, eyes wide and mouth dropping open.

“Haha, yeah, that is about how I feel, too.”

Gamzee grabs Tavros in a hug, which unbalances them both and sends them toppling into the pile in a cacophony of honks. Tavros manages to sit up without further incident, several horns wheezing out their dying breaths under the metal legs, and ignores the twinging from the new stomach wound.

Gamzee lays back and grins ruefully up at Tavros, attempting to look contrite. “Motherfucking sorry about that. Shit’s just way all kinds of exciting, you know?”

“Yes, I know, and I’m not really upset, or anything. Hugs are nice.”

A little bit of wiggling later, which makes everyone in the room glance towards them again and Karkat start visibly grinding his teeth because of the honking, Gamzee’s got their head in Tavros’ lap and Tavros can _feel_ it. Just a faint pressure, and nothing like the coolness of their skin or the texture of their hair, but it’s still more than without the legs.

Tavros smiles fondly down at Gamzee and wraps a stray curl around one finger. Having new legs is causing all kinds of increases in confidence and making thinking a lot of difficult issues over a lot easier. Gamzee, for instance.

Gamzee’s always been hard to figure out. From the very start, Gamzee was confusing. Why would a highblood, much less someone of _Gamzee’s_ caste, ever want to speak to someone as low as Tavros? At first Tavros had suspected it a cruel joke, but Gamzee kept on keeping in contact and being friendly, and seemed honestly confused whenever Tavros tried to bring up their wildly differing positions on the hemospectrum.

Then they got older, and the confusion over Gamzee got a little harder to untangle. Was Gamzee just a friend? Or more? At first Tavros had been absolutely sure that romance wasn’t any kind of interesting thing at all, but sometimes the idea of a matesprit didn’t sound bad. Cuddling and touching and maybe even kissing, a little, sounded like nice things to do. And Aradia was Tavros’ moirail, so who did that leave for a matesprit?

Except Gamzee wasn’t okay with any of that. Gamzee was about okay with moiraillegiance, although still a little worried about it, enough that they kept ignoring when Tavros said to actually _talk to Karkat_ , but the idea of anything else scared them. They’d had long conversations about it, working out how they felt about romance, because everyone else seemed completely thrilled and excited and interested and they both felt sort of weird.

The idea of red feelings still stayed, though, as a thought in the back of Tavros’ mind whenever they spoke or saw each other. Gamzee was nice, and cute, and Tavros loved being able to just spend time with them. This right now wasn’t exactly a friendly thing to do, was it? Did other trolls sit with their friends’ heads in their lap, stroking their hair?

“Hey, Gamzee?”

“Mm...Yeah, bro?” Gamzee blinks up at Tavros, eyes half-lidded and looking sleepy. They’d been dozing.

“I’ve been thinking about something for a while, that’s been sort of weird, and causing me a lot of very conflicted feelings, in my bloodpusher and in my pan. But, uh, I think I’ve finally figured it out, and I think I need to tell you.”

“...Yeah?” Gamzee looks almost wary. Tavros’ hands are sweating. Wiping them on the metal legs doesn’t work very well.

“I used to think that I maybe, sort of, kind of might have, possibly, had some red feelings for you.” Tavros has to swallow around a sudden worried lump, throat threatening like it’s going to close up. This isn’t that hard. Tavros has legs now; Tavros has confidence now; this is easy to say. “That was what made me so confused, when you sent me that message, about. you know, making out -”

“Aww, fuck, my most bitchtits brosis, I did not even be meaning any of that shit what I said at you -”

“No, no, I know.” Tavros pats Gamzee’s shoulder reassuringly. “But it made me confused, and have to think a lot, because I always thought I wouldn’t ever feel that way about anyone, and I still don’t, ever really want to make out, or go any further, because that just doesn’t seem like a fun thing to do. But I think maybe I might like the idea of kissing someone, sometime, maybe? And I think I expected to just not like it at all, but the thought of kissing you wasn’t, and isn’t, really especially repulsive to me. Because I really like you, a lot. I would say you’re my best friend, probably.”

Gamzee looks a little bit like a hopbeast caught in the open in front of a predator. Their normally lazy eyes are all the way open, wide and almost panicked, and they’re biting at their lower lip, hands twisting at the collar of their shirt. 

“But I have decided that, I don’t want to kiss you. And that I’m not red for you. I just really, really like you, and I think that if I ever had to pick anyone to kiss, like if someone put a gun to my head and told me I had to kiss someone or die, it would definitely be you. But I don’t _want_ to, I just...don’t not want to, if that makes sense.” Tavros stops and waits for Gamzee to respond, hoping that it does.

“Uhhh.” Gamzee frowns, biting down hard enough on their lip that a spot of indigo wells up. “Fuck, okay, I think I can like maybe be all to wrapping my pan around this shit you’re laying down for me, man. Okay like. You don’t wanna kiss any motherfuckers, but you don’t mind the idea of kissing motherfuckers, and if you had to all up and get your kiss on with a motherfucker, it would be me, but you don’t wanna actually all get your kiss on with me. And you don’t be having any motherfucking flushed feelings up in your heart for me neither.”

“Yes, that’s basically exactly it.” 

“I don’t know what that makes even any goddamn bit of motherfucking sense to me at _all_ , Tav.”

They stare at each other, both unsure and nervous, and then burst out laughing, Tavros double over so that their foreheads are nearly touching and the point of a horn digs into Gamzee’s stomach. They push Tavros up and away, lightly, still chuckling.

“All for serious like now, though, I think I get it,” Gamzee assures. “And I basically got the same way to be feeling inside of my heart at you, too.”

“That’s good. I’m really glad we could settle that.” And to think Tavros has spent so much time worrying about this. Equius and Kanaya really need to be thanked again, and Tavros needs to find out who had gotten Equius to build these legs. They might be the most amazing thing that has happened to Tavros yet. “Oh, also, unrelated, but, did you ask Equius to build these legs? He said some people did and I figured that, you know, he would listen to you, because of his creepy crush...”

Gamzee rolls their eyes. “Yeah, I had some words up with him all about that. Your good brosis Aradia did too, and we kinda worked him into doing it. At first he was all motherfucking making these reluctant-ass noises, like he didn’t want to help out a good motherfucker like you, but then I told him to do it and he got real nice real fucking fast.”

“Hahaha, yeah, I bet he did. Uhh, you know, you should probably tell him that you aren’t interested. I mean, he’s kind of a weirdo, but probably leading him on isn’t very nice, really.” Not that Tavros has ever done much better than Gamzee with the whole unwanted romance issue. At least Equius never threw anyone off a cliff. He’s weird, and creepy, but Tavros thinks that his affections would probably be more bearable than Vriska’s. 

“Man, fuck, you don’t even know. I tried to get my dissuasion on hard to that motherfucker so many times, but he just doesn’t even motherfucking listen. Gets his aurals all plugged the fuck up tight and don’t let none of the shit I say go in.” Gamzee sighs. “It’s not really that bad. I figure you know, I can just kinda play along with what he wants and try to like, boss at him and get all harsh on him and shit like he wants, and then he’ll be okay to my motherfuckers I want him to be okay to and everything is good. Right?”

“That sounds pretty good.” Tavros honestly hadn’t expected that much thought put into it. Underestimating Gamzee doesn’t happen very often, but Tavros always feels a little bad when it does. “I guess if it works, it’s okay.”

“Yeah. Still kinda, sometimes I just wanna like, I don’t even know.” Gamzee waves their hands vaguely in the air. “Just grab on that motherfucker’s neck when he starts going on about hemospectrum this and highblood that, trying to get up on telling me what to do and who I should talk to, and just...motherfucking... _squeeze_ , a little.”

“Uh. Ha. Maybe you should talk to someone else, first, before you do that.” Gamzee’s voice has that growl in it again, that unfriendly sound from earlier that makes Tavros shiver. “Maybe you should talk to Karkat.”

“Why you think I gotta get my bother on to my best friend?” Gamzee asks. Their voice is soft and low and a mix of things Tavros can’t quite pick apart - almost a threat, maybe, and almost nervous, and sort of wavery, and just quiet and kind of weird.

“Because of how you’re sort of, completely obviously pale for him. I mean, I don’t really notice those things, at all, but it’s so obvious, I think that maybe the only person who doesn’t know is probably Karkat.” Tavros isn’t sure how you can manage to _not_ pity Gamzee, even platonically, because they’re kind of a complete wreck and most ways. Karkat is pretty bad too, although also an asshole and mean enough that Tavros doesn’t want much to do with him. The important part is that Gamzee gets along with him. “He could probably help you not strangle anyone, or break their necks, or bite them, or anything unsavory kinds of things like that, that you don’t really want to do to your friends, even if they also are creeps.”

Gamzee shifts uncomfortably and gives Tavros a look that’s almost scared, which is an unsettling thing to see on Gamzee’s face. “What if like, though, he says no?”

Tavros is trying not to consider that. If anyone needs a moirail, it’s becoming clear that it’s Gamzee. They need someone to take care of them, and recently, someone to keep them from acting out all the threats they’re starting to come up with, in the absence of sopor and with the stress of waiting to die and all. “Well, I don’t know, really. But I am feeling incredibly confident right now, to a degree that is almost ridiculous, because of how useful and not crippled I currently am, and so I think that you should take a cue from me, probably, and think confidently. Pretend that you also have Rufio, and then ask yourself what he would do, in this situation, if you also possessed absurd amounts of self-confidence.”

Gamzee keeps frowning. Obviously, drastic measures have to be taken to restore the natural balance of happiness and self-confidence. Tavros reaches down, grabs their nose firmly, and squeezes.

“Honk.”

Gamzee cracks up almost immediately, wheezing laughter while still trying to keep a serious face. Eventually it dissolves completely and they just laugh, and then sit up, smile faltering but still in place.

“Alright, I’m gonna go do that.”

“Okay. Remember, what would Rufio do?” Tavros watches them cross the room, long stride more halting than usual, and stop behind Karkat’s chair. Gamzee taps him on the shoulder and leans down to talk to him, quietly enough that Tavros can’t actually hear what they’re saying.

Tavros can’t quite see Karkat’s face, either, but can watch him go stiff, and then sort of slump, and then get up and take Gamzee by the hand and transportalize out of the room without another word. Tavros isn’t really sure how the standard way to confess your pale feelings goes; with Aradia, no one ever really said anything. They just kind of fell together into it, and both understand how the other felt, without having to have a confession or a discussion. So Tavros doesn’t know how long it’s going to take, or whether a lot of time would be bad or not.

They stay gone for a while, which Tavros thinks is possibly a good sign, that they’re discussing things and working them out. Tavros decides not to spend all the time just staring at the transportalizer and gets up to go practice walking. It’s hard, because the legs are heavy and while Tavros can feel a sense of pressure when something touches them, that’s about it. Figuring out where they are in relation to the ground is almost impossible without looking at them, which makes tripping less likely but dramatically increases the chances of bumping into something or someone by about a hundred percent. Practice is necessary.

Husktop safely captchalogued in case any emergencies happen, Tavros steps onto the transportalizer and ventures out into the halls of the laboratory.

Walking with the new legs is tiring, too. Tavros never knew how many back muscles you used to walk, but all of them are screaming with exhaustion after just a half hour. They’re not used to being used, and these legs are heavier and harder to move around than Tavros’ natural ones ever were. After another ten minutes and a bruising incident with a short flight of stairs - Equius really wasn’t kidding about the catastrophe - Tavros decides to take a rest and maybe talk to some humans.

After a couple of hours, a little message pops up saying that Gamzee’s online. 

adiosToreador [AT] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

AT: oH, i HADN’T KNOWN, tHAT YOU LOGGED OFF,

TC: Oh yEaH, I WaNtEd tO HaVe sOmE TiMe aLoNe.

AT: oH? 

AT: }:o

AT: wHAT, sALACIOUS DETAILS, dO YOU HAVE?

AT: aRE YOU TALKING TO ME FROM A PILE RIGHT NOW?

TC: hAhAhA, AcTuAlLy yEaH I Am. 

TC: It’S SnUgGlY As fUcK Up iN ThIs bItCh, wE GoT ScAlEmAtEs aNd sHiT.

AT: sO i ASSUME IT WENT WELL, THEN,

AT: yOUR TOUCHING CONFESSION OF BEAUTIFUL, pALE LOVE,

TC: hElL FuCkInG YeS.

TC: EvErYtHiNg iS MoThErFuCkInG DiAmOnDs.

AT: i’M REALLY GLAD, fOR THAT,

AT: rUFIO MUST HAVE BEEN WITH YOU,

AT: fOR YOU TO BE SO WILDLY SUCCESSFUL, iN YOUR ENDEAVOR,

TC: mUsT HaVe bEeN, ThAt hElPfUl mOtHeRfUcKeR.

TC: WhAt’S GoInG Up tHe fUcK On wItH YoU ThOuGh?

AT: nOT A WHOLE LOT, CURRENTLY,

AT: i’M BEING VERY, 8ORING,

AT: i WENT FOR A WALK, tO TRY OUT MY NEW LEGS, wHICH ARE FANTASTIC AND AMAZING AND STUPENDOUS,

AT: aND ALSO VERY HEAVY,

AT: tHEN i FELL DOWN SOME STAIRS, bUT NOT VERY MANY, jUST A VERY SMALL FLIGHT OF THEM, sO IT WAS MORE LIKE A TUMBLE, tHAN ANY KIND OF EXTENDED ROLLING   
INCIDENT,

TC: sHiIt.

AT: yEAH, aND THEN i TALKED TO SOME HUMANS, oNE OF WHOM i WOULD LIKE SOME ASSISTANCE, mAYBE, oN SEIZING THE BLEATBEAST OF, iN A METAPHORICAL FASHION, oNCE YOU HAVE TIME TO SPIT SOME RHYMES BACK AND FORTH,

TC: ThAt sOuNdS WiCkEd aS FuCk mY GoOd bUlLbUdDy.

AT: i THOUGHT YOU WOULD THINK SO, aND, i WILL DIRECT YOU TO THIS ONE, tOO, tO ALSO TROLL, aLTHOUGH i WOULD PREFER IF THE MAIN TROLLING WERE LEFT UP TO ME,

AT: iF YOU CAN CALL DIBS ON AN ALIEN’S BLEATBEAST, tHEN THAT IS WHAT i WANT TO DO,

AT: i AM CAREFULLY COMPOSING A BALANCED EARLY EVENING NUTRITIONAL PLATTER OF VERBAL ANNIHILATION AND UTTER HUMILIATION FOR HIM, tO SERVE AS SOON AS WE SPEAK AGAIN,

AT: hE WILL FEAST ON HIS OWN BROKEN EMOTIONS, aND DRINK HIS TEARS, 

AT: i FEEL VERY CONFIDENT THAT THAT IS HOW THAT SCENARIO WILL PLAY OUT,

TC: mOtHeRfUcK YeS It bEtTeR Be.

TC: WhIcH OnE Is iT?

TC: mY BeSt fRiEnD HeRe iS BeEn tAlKiNg aLl aT SoMe oF ThEm aBoUt sOmE PlAnS.

AT: rEALLY? 

AT: wHAT KIND OF, pLANS?

AT: aND IT’S THE ONE, wITH THE YELLOW HAIR, wHO WEARS SUNGLASSES,

AT: cOMPLETELY UNNECESSARILY AND PROBABLY, tO HIS OWN DETRIMENT, iNDOORS,

AT: bECAUSE HE IS A TOOL,

TC: OhH ThAt oNe.

TC: hE’s bEeN TaLkInG At mY GiRl tZ AnD MaKiNg kArKaT AlL KiNdS Of sAlTy aBoUt iT.

TC: Oh tAv tHiS MoThErFuCkEr hErE Is sO FuCkInG CuTe i cAn’T HaRdLy eVeN Be StAnDiNg iT.

TC: fUuUuUuCk.

TC: I WaNnA PeT HiS LiTtLe aNgRy fUcKiNg fAcE FoR PrObAbLy fOrEvEr.

TC: aNd hIs hAiR WhIcH Is sO FuCkInG SoFt mAn, lIkE WhAt dOeS A ClOuD FeEl lIkE.

TC: AnD RuB RiGhT Up oN ThEsE NuBbY HoRnS HeRe wHaT ArE PeRfEcT To pUt a kIsS On.

AT: tHAT IS, mORE THAN i NEEDED TO KNOW, tHANK YOU,

TC: i aIn’T EvEn sOrRy.

AT: wHAT ARE THE PLANS, kARKAT HAS BEEN TALKING TO HUMANS ABOUT?

TC: Oh, rIgHt.

TC: sOmE CoMpLiCaTeD ShIt.

TC: BuT I ThInK ThE BaSiC GiSt oF It iS LiKe bEiNg wE DoN’t gOtTa kIcK ThE WiCkEd sHiT Up tO ThE DaRk cArNiVaL LiKe tRaPpEd bArKbEaStS No mOrE CaUsE ThEy kNoW A WaY To lIkE FiX ThE ShIt tHeY DoNe aNd tHeN We aLl cAn aLl uP AnD AlL MeEt uP AnD Go tO A NeW SeSsIoN ThAt iS NoT LiKe tO BeInG MoThErFuCkInG FuCkEd.

TC: i ThInK.

AT: wOW, tHAT IS, fANTASTIC NEWS,

AT: tHAT IS REALLY JUST, mORE FANTASTIC THAN i CAN EVEN DESCRIBE, oR FEEL,

AT: i DON’T THINK A PERSON CAN FEEL THIS HAPPY, pROBABLY, iT’S MOST LIKELY MEDICALLY HAZARDOUS FOR MY BLOODPUSHER, tO FEEL THIS MUCH JOY,

TC: DoN’t fUcKiNg dIe. >:o(

AT: wELL, sINCE YOU’VE ORDERED ME NOT TO, i THINK i MUST, oBEY,

AT: hIGHBLOOD,

TC: aWwW HaHa dOn’t.

AT: }:p

AT: tHAT IS, sINCERELY, rEALLY AMAZING, tHOUGH,

TC: IsN’t iT?

TC: kArKaT’s lIkE AlL A GeNiUs oR SoMeThInG.

TC: GoTtA PlAn tO GeT RiD Of fUcKiNg jAcK, ToO.

TC: gOtTa bLoW AlL Up sOmE GrEeN SuN ShIt.

AT: tHAT’S ALSO, vERY GOOD NEWS,

AT: i THINK A DECREASE IN RANDOM TELEPORTATION MURDERS WILL REALLY BE HELPFUL, aND BENEFICIAL, tO US,

TC: YeAh i aGrEe tO ThAt.

AT: yEAH,

AT: yOU KNOW, i FOUND OUT SOMETHING, pRETTY AMAZING, tOO,

AT: i WAS LOOKING AROUND ONLINE, aT SOME THINGS,

AT: sOME ANATOMY TYPE THINGS, tO SEE, mOSTLY WHAT KINDS OF PARTS OF ME, kANAYA TOOK OFF, wITH HER CHAINSAW, wHEN SHE ALSO SAWED OFF MY LEGS,

AT: wHICH, i WISH MAYBE SOMEONE HAD ASKED ME ABOUT, a LITTLE BIT,

AT: nOT THAT i’M UNGRATEFUL, jUST, iT HURT A LOT, aND WAS VERY UNEXPECTED, aND INCREDIBLY TERRIFYING,

AT: bUT STILL ESSENTIALLY A GOOD THING, sO, wHATEVER,

AT: aNYWAY,

AT: i WAS LOOKING, aND, hOW MUCH DO YOU REMEMBER, aBOUT OUR SCHOOLFEEDING LESSONS, oN PUBERTY?

TC: mY MoSt gOoDeSt bRo, nOt a fUckInG ThInG.

TC: HoNk

AT: oKAY, wELL, tHERE ARE A BUNCH OF PHYSICAL CHANGES, tHAT HAPPEN BECAUSE OF IT, lIKE GROWING OTHER CHARACTERISTICS,

AT: pARTS OF YOUR, uH, aNATOMY DEVELOP, sUCH AS BREASTS, aND, bULGES, aND SUCH OTHER, uNPLEASANT THINGS,

TC: oHhH Is tHaT WhAt tHaT ShIt iS?

AT: wHAT, sHIT,

TC: I’lL ShOw yOu lAtEr iF YoU WaNt, bUt bAsICaLlY It’S ThAt i gOt tHiS WiCkEd tItS AcTiOn gOiNg oN SuDdEnLY.

TC: sO i GuEsS ThAt’S WhAt tHaT Is.

AT: uH, cOULD YOU CLARIFY, iF YOU MEAN WICKED TITS THE WAY YOU USUALLY DO, oR AS IN TITS IS A NOUN, lIKE IT SHOULD BE, wHEN ANYONE WHO IS NOT YOU USES IT, iNSTEAD OF AN ADJECTIVE, wHICH YOU, iNEXPLICABLY, uSE IT AS,

TC: WhAt?

AT: i’M NOT ENTIRELY SURE, hOW TO MAKE MY MEANING MORE OBVIOUS, tHERE,

AT: wHAT PART OF A SENTENCE ARE YOU USING, tITS, tO MEAN,

TC: oKaY FuCk hErE.

terminallyCapricious [TC] is making a video call to adiosToreador [AT]

accept call: y/n

adiosToreador [AT] has accepted the video call

AT: ,,,

AT: ,,,,,,

AT: ,,,,,,,,,,,,

AT: oH,

AT: uH,

AT: wELL,

AT: wHY DID YOU,

AT: oKAY,

adiosToreador [AT] has closed the video call

AT: oNCE kARKAT STOPS YELLING AT YOU, yOU CAN READ THIS,

AT: aND HI, kARKAT, bY THE WAY,

AT: uH, wOW, tHAT WAS MORTIFYING,

AT: aNYWAY, i WILL TRY TO MOVE PAST IT, aND SAY THAT, yES, i SEE WHAT YOU MEANT   
NOW, aND THAT IS, dEFINITELY THE WORK OF PUBERTY,

AT: gOOD, jOB, oN THEM, i GUESS?

AT: i AM NOT SURE WHAT YOU SAY HERE, iN THIS SITUATION, uHH,

AT: aNYWAY, lET ME GET BACK TO MY POINT, oKAY,

AT: aLL OF THESE THINGS, aND OTHER CHANGES, sUCH AS YOUR VOICE DEEPENING   
AND, mOLTING, aND SUCH,

AT: hAPPEN BECAUSE OF, hORMONES, wHICH CERTAIN GLANDS, iN YOUR BODY, sECRETE,

AT: aND THOSE GLANDS HAPPEN TO BE LOCATED, iN THE LOWER PART OF YOUR BODY, mOSTLY,

AT: tHERE ARE SOME IN YOUR BRAIN, bUT THEY HAVE MORE TO DO WITH JUST, gROWING, tO AN ADULT SIZE, aND NOT A LOT OF THE OTHER STUFF, i THINK,

AT: aND IF i’M READING THESE CHARTS RIGHT, tHEN, i SURMISE THAT THE PART OF ME THAT kANAYA CUT OFF, wAS ALSO THE PART THAT CONTAINED THOSE PARTS,

AT: wHICH MEANS THAT PUBERTY IS NOT, a THING THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN FOR, oR TO ME,

AT: wHICH IS BASICALLY, tHE BEST NEWS, aND DEFINITELY MAKES UP, fOR HAVING MY LEGS CUT OFF, wHILE i WAS ASLEEP,

AT: eVEN IF SHE PROBABLY, dID NOT MEAN FOR THAT TO HAPPEN, i HAVE THANKED HER, sEVERAL TIMES, tO HER CONFUSION, mOSTLY,

AT: bUT IT’S STILL GREAT, aND i’M REALLY HAPPY,

AT: iT’S LIKE i REALLY CAN BE LIKE A FAIRY, nOW, eXCEPT REAL INSTEAD OF FAKE AND MADE UP,

AT: wHICH IS THE BEST KIND OF WAY TO BE, i THINK,

AT: iS HE STILL YELLING AT YOU,

TC: My pAlE BrOtHeR CaN YeLl fOr a lOnG-AsS TiMe, mAn.

TC: wE GoT DiStRaCtEd, sOrRy.

AT: i STILL, dON’T NEED TO HEAR ABOUT IT, }:op

TC: WhOoPs, fUcKiNg sOrRy, nOw gImMe tHaT ShIt bAck.

AT: nO, i DON’T THINK i WILL,

AT: aND IN FACT, mAYBE i’LL EVEN,

AT: StARt tYpInG lIke ThIS,

AT: wHaT nOw?

TC: tHaT Is aLl KiNdS Of nOt fUcKiNg rIgHt, dAmN.

TC: I’m sTiLl wAy mOtHeRfUcKiNg gLaD FoR ThAt sHiT YoU FoUnD OuT, ThOuGh, tHaT Is wIcKeD BiTcHe’S TiTs fUcKiNg mIrAcLeS AmAzInG. 

AT: iS, mIRACLES, aN ADJECTIVE NOW, tOO,

TC: sOmE FuCkInG TiMEs.

AT: oKAY,

AT: aND i THINK THAT, lIKE YOU TOLD ME, i DO HAVE TO NOTICE, aND RECOGNIZE, mIRACLES, wHICH i THINK THAT COUNTS AS ONE, dEFINITELY,

TC: ArE YoU GoNnA StAy aLl mOtHeRfUcKiNg tInY?

AT: i DON’T THINK SO, bECAUSE, tHE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GROW UP, aRE MOSTLY IN YOUR BRAIN, jUST NOT THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU MATURE IN OTHER WAYS,

AT: i WOULDN’T MIND, bEING KID SIZED, i THINK, bUT THIS IS THE BEST, pROBABLY,

AT: sINCE i CAN’T STOP TIME, oR ANYTHING LIKE THAT,

AT: sO i CAN HAVE THE, mARGINALLY NOT AWFUL PARTS OF GROWING UP, MOSTLY, wITHOUT THE REALLY AWFUL PARTS, tHAT MAKE ME WANT TO CRY,

AT: wHICH i THINK WE CAN SAY IS, iNDUBITABLY, wINNING,

AT: a DEFINITE VICTORY ON MY PART, dEFINITELY,

AT: aND rUFIO AGREES,

TC: hE KnOwS HiS ShIt.

AT: yEAH, hE DOES,

TC: Oh hEy

TC: wE’rE GoNnA GeT BaCk tO ThE LaB AnD TeLl eVeRyOnE uP AbOuT AlL ThIs pLaN, So yOu sHoUlD CoMe uP BaCk HeRe tOo.

AT: aLRIGHT, i WILL BE THERE, iN A LITTLE WHILE,

AT: mAYBE SLOWER THAN YOU, bECAUSE i AM STILL SORE, aND NOT USED TO WALKING,

TC: We’Ll tAkE OuR MoThErFuCkInG TiMe.

AT: oKAY, sEE YOU,

adiosToreador [AT] has ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

Tavros shuts the husktop and then captchalogues it, leaning back to rest for a little before standing up. It seems like things are going right, finally. Hopefully this plan works, and they can make a new world, with the humans too. It would be nice to have some company that isn’t just the other trolls. Tavros likes a lot of them, but some of the humans are nice, and their world seems so much nicer than Alternia ever did. Tavros thinks maybe being born as a troll was a mistake, and being a human would’ve been better.

There’s no reason to dwell on how things should have been, when they’re good now. Tavros gets up and starts back towards the lab, feeling more content than in a long, long time. Maybe the stairs will be easier going up.


End file.
